What's It Going To Be Like?

So, tonight as I was giving Drew his bath and getting him ready for bed, I started thinking..."what is it going to be like immediately after his surgery?" Things are going to be very different for awhile, and I just don't know what to expect. I mean, I know what people have told me, but until you live it, you just don't know. I know babies bounce back quickly, but we're going to have to pick him up differently, he won't be able to sleep on his belly, he's going to spend about 5-7 days in the hospital, he's going to be poked and prodded and have tubes and wires in him...and there's nothing we can do to prepare him for any of this. Maybe that's for the best though. I think part of fear comes from thinking and worrying too much. In my down moments, which are far less frequent these days thank God, I worry a lot. I perseverate on things like "how is he going to do with general anesthesia?" "what if he can't be extubated quickly?" "what if he needs to go on ECMO?" "what if something unexpected happens during surgery and it messes him up worse than what the PS is doing?" "what if he gets an infection?" "how much pain is he going to be in?" "is he going to look at me to take it away and not understand why I can't?" OK...you can see how this is detrimental. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have HAD to shift my focus. But, every once in awhile, the old fears creep back in. He's my child, my life...it's my job to protect him...and I can't. Not from this. But, he will also be stronger because of it. I know he will. So, I have to focus on that...and what I have control over. I don't have any control over the surgery or the outcome, but I can be there to hold him and love him and comfort him the best I can. And that is what he really needs from me. The rest is up to God, quite frankly. I have to trust in Him. He is ever faithful and never gives us more than we can carry...I have to think about that Footprints poem. "...that is when I carried you." I have to trust that God will carry us through this time and place us gently down on the other side of it. I need to give my worries to Him. He knows what He is doing.