Busy Busy Busy

... and loving every second of it.

I have never in my life felt so fulfilled as I do now. I truly feel that God has blessed me with my crazy, hectic life in order to ground me and keep me focused on His will in my life. Now, one can never be certain of all God has planned for him or her, but if we allow God into our hearts and our lives, it makes the senseless worrying all for nothing. (OK, disclaimer, I am still a worrywart and a control freak at heart...but I pray on it now...and it does help)

When Drew was first diagnosed with his CHDs, I felt hopeless, helpless, guilty. I felt a tremendous sense of grief and panic. Fear that we may lose our son. Guilt that I had somehow failed him during my pregnancy. Helpless because there wasn't a darn thing I could do to change this for him. I also felt alone. My heart cried out to God, and in my mental state, I didn't hear His response. I was lost in my world of "why?" Why me? Why my son? Why this? Why now? Why? Why? Why? I had done everything "right," so WHY GOD WHY? As you can imagine, it was a very dark place...and it got progressively darker until I said "enough." God is leading you to this...what is His plan?

And so I thought (or, as Pinky Dinky Doo would sing ... "I think and think and think and think...and suddenly I know!") and came to the conclusion that God doesn't do things "just because." He had some higher purpose for me (and Drew) in all of this. And in order to see that, I needed to set my grief, fear and worrying to the side and focus on what that might be.

As I began to research CHD and joined a support board for parents of children with CHD, I was appalled at the lack of funding, the high incidence and the lack of general knowledge about it, and the way I had to search and search to find organizations. I was saddened that this information wasn't readily available to all parents, that they had to go searching for it, and that there are sites out there that have only scary and badly outdated information. I began to see a path clearing before me...I needed to do something to make sense out of this road we were traveling. I needed to give back. I needed to spread hope. I needed to create awareness...first in my small circle, and then everywhere I went. I became obsessed with teaching others, starting with my own family. I felt the need to reach out to other heart families, to take on the fight in the name of the warriors turned angels and to give my son's struggles meaning. I wanted him to grow into a man who was proud of his special, mended heart. Who had a generous heart and a genuine concern for others. And the best way to teach this is to live it myself.

I truly feel that, because I allowed God to speak to me in the midst of my darkest moments, He pulled me from the darkness and had blessed me more than I could've ever imagined. I am able to stay at home with Drew, yet bring in income, something that both pleases me greatly and in which I take great pride. I am able to reach out to others and, in even the smallest way, offer them a glimmer of hope. I am lucky enough to receive multiple daily hugs, smiles and kisses from my lovable, squeezable, adorable little man. I am incredibly blessed to have a supportive husband, who wants whatever makes me happy and fulfills my heart's desires. I have the support of my incredible friends and a loving family, who are always there for me and who have joined me in my journey. And, I have made some pretty awesome new friends along the way. Friends who will be in my life for many years to come. Friends who "get" me. Amazing, strong, beautiful friends...some of whom have angels here on earth and some have angels in Heaven. My life has been forever changed by this journey.

Back to my original thought - my life is incredibly busy these days...busier than it would've been had I not chosen this path. Somedays I don't even know where to start and feel extremely overwhelmed. But even in my most stressful moments, I remember the blessings in my life...number one, that my son is still here with us...and that helps me focus and move forward.