One Year

What a difference a year makes....and he looks almost drunk in the second one, doesn't he??

I just realized I never posted my thoughts on Drew turning one. Maybe that's because I can't quite formulate them into words? I don't know. One year seems to have flown by. Last year at this time, I was the midst of my new mommy haze, breast feeding had already gone to heck, and I was in a serious downward spiral towards PPD. I thought to myself, "I have ruined this child's life." I never once thought about myself, just Drew, and how horrible it was going to be for him with me as his Mom. That should've been my first clue. Another clue, the daily crying...not Drew, me. And another one? How I had about zero patience for Bill and how for the first time in our marriage, I flew totally off the handle during any arguments we had. Why am I copping to all of this now? Well, because in order to understand how Drew's first year has impacted me, you need to know it.

I was not in a good place for much of my maternity leave. Finally, at the end, I felt like I was getting a grip on things...then it was time to go back to work, which was miserable. And not at all fulfilling to me anymore. When Drew was a newborn, I would think "next year at this time, life will be MUCH easier." And it is, to a certain extent, because he's on a schedule now, I know his cues, he responds to me, he's fun and plays games, we read, he laughs and smiles all the time. But, he's also growing into a toddler and, as my friend Ashleigh will attest to, a lot of our day is spent in a battle of wills. A war where I have to choose my battles...with a one year old. I have to sparingly use "no" or else it loses it's impact. My son thinks it's incredibly hilarious to gag himself nearly to the point of puking at a nice restaurant (this is what Ashleigh will attest to). So, there are new challenges.

The good news is, after all this business with his heart, I am much more capable of handling them. I have finally let go of most of my anxiety and worry, and am just able to enjoy my son 95% of the time without those annoying worries creeping in. Last year, I would've panicked about taking him out in the sun, or out by myself, and now, we're on the go all the time. We're planning trips for the summer, he's going to spend the night at my Dad's. I LOVE being his Mom. But then, I always did. And I no longer feel bad for him to be "stuck" with me because I know no one loves him like I do. No one could. They didn't carry him in their womb, they didn't feel him moving before anyone else could, they didn't know in their heart that he was a boy...so sure of it that had he come out a girl, I would've been shocked for many many days. I had bonded with my son, not my daughter. LOL.

To say the least, this past year has been full of many ups, some downs, and always love! Love you my little Drewbie!