I am taking some cues from my brave blogging friends and being honest.
Like, really, really honest.
OK, here goes ...
Lately, I have just not been feeling like myself. And it pretty much sucks.
I haven't had time or energy to do anything that brings me joy, or is relaxing.
Drew's scrapbook? Yep, haven't worked on that in 6 weeks.
Sewing? Do I even remember how to thread a bobbin at this point? Hmmm....I don't know.
Even going out with friends and family just isn't an instant source of happiness for me, when it normally is. I think the reason is mainly the following ...
I have gained an absolutely SICKENING amount of weight since going off a couple of medications I had been on for various reasons ... and I am just depressed about it. I feel like I look to be about 4 months pregnant, but without the benefit of knowing a baby is growing inside of me. I have the least toned legs ever, which is really amusing to me (not in a funny ha-ha way though) because I am not just sitting on me arse most of the day. Not. at. all. I just disgust myself right now with how I look. I could work out more than I do, sure, but I honestly don't have the energy for it. Cop out? I am sure some would think so. But, walking 2-3 miles a couple of times/week is at least SOMETHING, right? Couple that with chasing a 2 year old all day and I just should NOT look like a beached whale. But I do. Blarg. This needs to end.
I need to change this up. I need to get out of my FUNK. We have a vacation coming up, for both our little family and just Bill and myself. I am praying that's the beginning of a re-energized Mary. I am praying that the rest of our darn kitchen remodel goes off without a hitch and I can stop stressing about it...something I am sure is not helping me with my ability to be energized about life OR lose weight. Unfortunately, we've hit MANY obstacles in this process...the latest two being our countertop guy refusing to come measure for us so we can order everything and get that placed ASAP and our darn door not being installed today, so I was stuck at home for NOTHING.
Something needs to give, and I guess that something is me because this can't continue.
15 years later
1 year ago
9 comments:
Mary, I totally feel ya. It is almost cyclical-I don't work out, eat something because I feel grumpy, feel bad, don't work out because I feel bad...and on it goes. I am just trying to find motivation in being outside and trying to just be present in E's world, even if it means no sewing (or laundry, for that matter) gets done! (hugs!)
Lauren and I send you big hugs hoping today is better. It's not at all surprising to me that you feel the way you do especially with everything you have going on in your life.
Add in incomplete, behind schedule renovations and your center of gravity gets thrown off. AND an active 2 year old, AND the downward spiral of "I don't like feeling the way I do, why can't I get out of it? I feel worse because I can't seem to do anything to change it" and it's completely respectable.
Hang in there honey. If there's anything we can do, besides send cyber hugs, please let me know!!
Thanks for your honesty Mary, doesn't it feel good to release it? :) I understand your frustrations with your weight, I feel the same way! I know I just need to get into a routine to get myself back on track but that is easier said then done. I hope your project goes much smoother now and that you start to feel more energized. You have inspired me in more ways than one so I hope I can encourage you when things seem bleak. Blessings to you today!
{{{HUG}}} Mary!!! We all go through those periods of feeling absolutely lousy. I'm there right now. I was getting on the treadmill every day to try to gain some more energy but I got sidetracked with Logan issues and feeling sorry for myself....which we are allowed to have from time to time. However I've just learned that I have to be happy with ME and just enjoy life. I haven't touched Logan's heart scrap book in 2 years so don't feel bad. I know I will get to it eventually. You will too!
Keep your chin up girl! We all think you are beautiful!!
By the way, it may or may not be relevant but something the OB said when Lauren was born with a syndrome I find to be applicable in a lot of circumstances - "It`s okay to grieve." Life hasn't given us quite what we were expecting. Our day to day life isn't quite what we envisioned. It doesn't mean we love our kids / family / life any less, it just means, it's okay to grieve for the things that aren't what we had hoped.
I especially feel this away around Lauren's birthday when I remember what happened as opposed to what I had envisioned. Her life is not what we had hoped and the challenges ahead for ALL of us are many. I grieve for the loss of innocence she will experience. I grieve for the hardships she'll endure and I grieve for myself and the joys I've missed dealing with her syndrome...
Maybe you need time to grieve.
Thanks ladies!! :)
Oh Mary,
I so totally feel you right now. Granted that I am pregnant, but even before pregnancy, my legs looked horrible. I don't quite get how chasing a 20 month old, and carrying him up and down two sets of stairs numberous times a day has left me with giggley cottage cheese for a tush and thighs.
I'm sure the stress of the kitchen has really brought you down. Wasnt it supposed to be finished a long time ago? Your in my thoughts and prayers. Super huge hugs for you!
I've read your blog for awhile but never commented. (I am part of starting an IMH Chapter in MN.) I could have written this post about 4-5months ago. After my daughter got her pacemaker I ended up putting on a lot of weight and I have no meds to blame it on! Tired and depressed. This last month I've finally forced myself to eat better and (kind-of, sort-of) exercise. I feel a little better, and better about myself, but still tired all the time which makes it hard to keep going. Right now I'm just trying to keep going when I have a bad day, instead of giving up like I used to. I just posted my first real "release" post on my blog. Felt kind of good, but I cried as I posted it! (www.reachingmylimit.com) Hang in there!
Mary, that totally stinks to feel like that, especially with the added stress of your remodel on top of everything else. It's awesome that you were able to let off some steam in writing. Mommies often have the job of making everyone around them happy and sometimes forget that they need to find happiness too. I'm happy to offer any support I can (girls night out, playdate with the kids, reminders that you are an awesome mom to Drew no matter how your legs look). Hang in there!
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