It's A ...

Beautiful, very healthy looking BOY!

We will still have an echo after his birth, but for now, everything looks great with his heart and all the other measurements were normal as well. Thank you God!

Drew is going to have a baby brother and we couldn't be more excited! It will be wonderful to see them grow up together and become friends as they get older. I know Drew will teach him some great things...and probably some not so great things...and it will be cute to see the two of them together.

My Heart is Heavy

9 warriors have left this world for Heaven. 9. In one week. And those are the ones I know about. For every one of those 9, I am sure there are many, many more. My heart is heavy.

I have lots of questions...and no answers. I know God uses everything for His purpose. I know His will is hard to understand. I know He does everything for a reason. But, right now, with all of these losses, I want to know why. My heart is heavy.

I grieve for these mothers. For the pain they must endure. That they had to hold their child's precious body as his or her spirit left this world. That they must now face life without their child. That they must go on living and existing in a world that doesn't honor grief...that is afraid of it...and that wishes it away. I pray that these mothers know there are other mothers out there who aren't scared by grief. Who know they must walk this journey, and all its twists and turns, and that we are there for them throughout it all. My heart is heavy.

I grieve for the fathers. They must now figure out how to support their wives and other children, while facing the reality that their beautiful child is no longer in this world. They must grieve this loss while our society tells them that "real men" don't cry, that they are "strong," and that they must be there for everyone else, to the detriment of their own emotional well being. I pray they recognize that real men DO cry, and they rely on others for strength from time to time. I pray they are able to walk through this grief and come through it to the other side stronger for the journey. My heart is heavy.

I grieve for the siblings, for the grandparents, for the friends and family. I hate that anyone must endure such a loss. I hate that there are no answers. There is no cure. Oftentimes, there aren't even any reasons as to why CHD occurs, or why one child makes it and another doesn't. I hate CHD. I hate it like I hate cancer - with a fiery passion. My heart is heavy.

I cling to my faith in times like these, because I have nothing else. I have no answers for these families. I have no words of comfort, and in most cases, I can't offer a physical shoulder to cry on. We are tied by CHD, but separated by miles and miles of earth and water. How I wish I could be there physically for all these families, and how I pray my thoughts and prayers fly to them and offer them whatever comfort they might be afforded by them. My heart is heavy.

And so, I turn to the only things I know - my faith and my passion to fight this evil monster we call CHD. To move toward a brighter tomorrow, one where less children are impacted so severely by CHD, one where more parents are supported in their journey, and one where more awareness is created about CHD. I go back to my original paragraph - 9 children gone in the last week. And yet, CHD remains an unknown...a "hole in the heart that is insignificant," something that "heals on its own," something people wonder "why all the fuss?!" 9 children. Gone. As a Christian, I know their parents will see them again one day, but that does little for their grief right now. This is why I fight on in their names. This is why my heart is heavy today.

The Littlest Brownie

I'd like to introduce you to our latest blessing. We look forward to meeting him or her in March! :)

Every Heart Has a Story

http://whenlifehandsyouabrokenheart.blogspot.com


...and this is Drew's:

On May 30, 2008, my son was born. We named him Andrew (Drew) and we were over the moon in love with him. On June 1, 2008, we went home as a family of 3...with a seemingly healthy newborn. Little did we know the twists and turns our life would soon take.

Drew had been a champion nurser until Day 4 of life...when he just stopped eating. Getting him to latch on and suckle was a full time job, and keeping him awake to eat was a second full time job. It took both of us to get him to feed...and it was a losing battle. He was losing weight at an alarming rate and we soon had no choice but to supplement. The first week of feedings with the bottle were also torturous...it still took two of us, we often had to strip him down and put a cold washcloth on him. I felt like every feeding was a nightmare for him...and us. But, eventually, he started to eat and put on weight. We thought the worse was over. How wrong we were.

At his one month well baby check up, the Ped heard a murmur..."nothing to be worried about," she said, "but let's get him in as soon as possible to get it checked out." When I couldn't get him in for 4-5 weeks, she got him in to see the Cardiologist in 4 days. Again, I asked, "should I be worried?" She assured me I should not. When Drew's Cardiologist walked into the room, after reviewing his EKG and Echocardiogram, the air shifted. Call it Mommy instincts, I just knew something was wrong with my baby. After about 15 minutes, she let us in on what was going on with Drew....he has Pulmonary Stenosis and an Atrial Septal Defect. Through my tears and panic, I tried to understand what this meant. Something was wrong with my baby's HEART?! How can this be?! I did "everything right" when I was pregnant, why is this happening??? What did I do to cause this??? My mind was racing. She assured me that this had nothing to do with me, that it "just happens" and they don't know why. She asked us to come back in one month for a follow up...and told Bill to come with me, just in case.

So, one month later, there we were. Hopeful and praying for a miracle. But none was to be had. Drew's PS had gotten worse and she was going to present him to the cardiac conference the next day to see if now was the time to intervene. Tuesday passed by soooo slowly, as I waited for word...I would wait until Wednesday morning. All the surgeons and interventional cardiologists agreed that it would be best to wait and allow his body time to grow. He was only 12 weeks old and they didn't want to do anything at that age that they weren't 100% sure of. So, we waited 4 looooong months...to find out it had gotten even worse, and that the valvuloplasty would most likely NOT mend his broken heart.

In February, 2009, Drew underwent the valvuloplasty in a last ditch effort to stave off open heart surgery...it didn't work. So, on March 27, 2009, surgery was performed. We had a couple of minor setbacks following surgery, but overall, Drew came through it all with flying colors. We are blessed...we know not every family or warrior fares as well. He still has mild stenosis, probably always will, but as long as it does not get worse, he should never have to undergo another procedure. There is talk of Noonan Syndrome, but we have not gone through with more testing at this point. We don't know if the new baby I am carrying has any of these issues, but chances are, he or she doesn't. Drew has taught us to never take one day for granted, or to take our health for granted. He has taught us true strength and what it means to fight for something important. He is an amazing, silly, adorable, special little man...and I am so fortunate to be his Mommy.

Not "Just Gaining Weight"

It would appear that there is an explanation behind my recent weight gain. There is a culprit. My thyroid is underactive, a condition known as hypothyroidism. It can cause a whole host of issues, and when I started doing my homework and checking off my symptoms, I was shocked to see that I had many of them. So, what to do? Well, for at least the forseeable future, I am taking 75 mcg of Synthroid, a thyroid hormone, to get my levels under control. I will be closely monitored to ensure that this medication does what it is supposed to do. Sounds easy enough, right? And it is. But, taking it is a total PITA. I have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to avoid "interactions" that would prohibit proper absorption of the hormone. So, this ensures I have at least one hour between taking it and eating something (actually, it's about 2 hrs), I take it with water (and a lot of it), and I can drink milk when I wake up too. Apparently, food, calcium and iron all interfere with absorption, so I am now taking my multivitamin at night. I am fortunate, as I have not had any bad side effects to the medication.

This is not the end of the story though. I am still following the Weight Watchers program and ensuring I have a balanced, healthy, nutritious diet. But, I can at least know I am not just becoming fat for little or no reason. It was seriously frustrating...I was more active and not losing weight, in fact, I was gaining it. So, now I have some work ahead of me to lose that weight, but I have confidence that, by getting my thyroid functioning properly and continuing to eat well and work out, I can do it.

There's some positivity for you! Something I've been missing for just a little while...

Vacation

Can you guess where we went? ;)

Day 2 - Thoughts

So, I thought I would periodically blog about how Weight Watchers is going.

Today is Day 2 and so far, so good. I know it's not saying much on Day 2, but I am learning ... A LOT. I have learned that I absentmindedly snack when I give Drew a snack, even if I've just had my own snack, and that I often end up finishing what he doesn't because I can't "waste" food. Yesterday was a real struggle in that area. It was so hard to keep mindful of the fact that I only had X amount of points and needed to save them for my actual meals and not Drew's leftovers! It has been easier (somewhat) today and I am barely starting to do it, thus having to stop myself.

Another struggle for me right now is the fact that I have to calculate points for everything. It's making eating almost like a chore. I have been raised to and have always enjoyed eating, hence my issue. Growing up, however, refusing food was rude. "Not eating enough" drew comments and irritation from my Italian elders. So, I just learned to eat...and I was praised for it. Now, eating isn't so fun, because I am relearning everything. And, like I said, a bit of a chore. I have to log on, check the points, check my points left, record the points. If I want a snack, I have to log on, check my points and see what I can have. Often, it's not what I WANT. And I am learning to be OK with that. I have to plan my meals out like I never have before...I've only planned dinners and now, I have plan breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. I am trying hard to NOT use any weekly allotment points, I want to save those for if I go out to dinner, etc. I refuse to use activity points because I am trying to lose weight, so what's the point??

So, Day 2 is going well. 2 days down, many more to come ...